Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror

Inspiration from Rilke:

"God talks to each of us as he creates us,
Then walks with us silently out of night.
But the words, spoken to us before we start,
those cloudy words, are these:

Sent forth by your senses,
go to the very edge of your desire;
invest me.

Back behind the things grow as fire,
so that their shadows, lengthened,
will always and completely cover me.

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Only press on: no feeling is final.
Don;t let yourself be cut off from me.
Nearby is that country
known as Life.

You will recognize it
by its seriousness.

Give me your hand."

This Body is Fleeting

"So then, banish anxiety from your heart and cast off troubles of the body, for youth and vigor are meaningless" Ecclesiastes 11:10

I am focusing on teaching therapeutic yoga. Particularly, a group with multiple sclerosis. I have so much to learn. I need to learn not only how to rearrange the yoga poses and make them more accessible, but also how to relate to and empathize with my students. What a challenge for someone whose body has always been mostly healthy. A few weeks ago, I was surprised by my fear when I merely had a stomach virus, which carries none of the gravity of a diagnosis with multiple sclerosis. My fear wasn't so much based around my immortality, but in my identity as a healthy, young woman.

I have a friend with MS who is already teaching me more than she realizes. She comes to the therapeutic yoga class I have begun to assist at Lighten Up. She's my age. She is kind, beautiful, and courageous.

We had a discussion a couple weeks ago about whether it is appropriate to call someone with disabilities "courageous". Is it courageous to simply deal with the circumstances that you had no part in choosing? I think so because what she has chosen is how to approach her disabilities. She encourages me by the way that she embraces her life, including her diagnosis. It seems that it would be so easy to mentally run from her diagnosis, live in a level of denial.

Instead, I watch her embrace her diagnosis and reach out to others. My friend is a leader of the WNC chapter of the Multiple Sclerosis Society. At their last meeting, she showed me T-shirts they were having printed that say"I'm not drunk, I have Multiple Sclerosis". She is so quick to smile and laugh, so easy to embrace. Not to say that she is never visibly frustrated or discouraged, but rather that she posesses a self-awareness and acceptance that I imagine must set her far ahead on the ladder to enlightenment.

In our discussions of MS, my friend's explanation of those first few months before diagnosis reminded me of my recent experience with panic attacks. They started last summer...suddenly being pulled strongly into my body, of my body leading the way instead of my mind...the pulling tightness in my chest and in my palms. The body forcing me to pay attention, to listen to what it had to say: Sit down, slow down, stop this whirlwind of existence...

My panic attacks forced an awareness on me, a presence of mind. I imagine my friend's experiences are similar in that she is often more present and aware because her body forces her to pay attention.

One thing I have learned is that every person with MS has a different story to tell, and every person with MS's experience's can change dramatically from day to day. This is so difficult for them in so many ways. But one thing their experiences can bring to them is these qualities that my friend so embodies- self-awareness and a presence of mind.

The intention in my meditations and practice these past few days has been about seeing myself beyond my flesh. Just as a person is still a person seperate from their disabilities, I am still me if I am not healthy, or young. This body is fleeting.

Tipsy Turvy

http://blogs.yogajournal.com/yogabuzz/2011/08/the-buzz-on-yoga-and-alcohol.html

Above is a link to a blog on Yoga Journal's website discussing whether alcohol, and particularly wine, should be served at a yoga class or event. I gotta say...no way. Even in my early twenties, my heavy drinking years, I would have disagreed with this idea. For me, yoga has always been about balancing out the chaotic and sometimes unhealthy aspects of my life. While I look back on some aspects of those earlier years with an element of nostalgia, I think a lot of what I miss is simply feeling young and carefree.

It's easy to associate drinking with those feelings of being young and carefree. "Letting loose" is one expression that really defines the aspect of drinking that was most appealing for me.

However, yoga has taught me to loosen up and let go of stress without the help of a substance. Yoga is what helped me let go of a dependancy on alcohol.

Recently, a friend of mine was in a class where a local Asheville yoga teacher served wine. The most disturbing part is that so many people in our society forget to respect the fact that alcohol is a dangerous substance-- that many are powerless under their addiction to alcohol.

I'm not against drinking, and I still have an occasional glass of wine with my dinner, but yoga class should be an environment to uplift and empower people in their quest towards a healthier and happier life. Alcohol is not only unnecessary to have a successful yoga experience, it's often harmful.

Cheers.

The touch of spirit on the body

There is some kiss we want
with our whole lives,
the touch of Spirit on the body.


Seawater begs the pearl
to break its shell.

And the lily, how passionately
it need some wild darling!

At night I open the window
and ask the moon to come
and press its face into mine.
Breathe into me.

Close the language-door,
and open the love-window.

The moon won't use the door,
only the window.

-Rumi

What My Wrist is Telling Me

Today was the second time I made it to Joe Taft's Level 3 Led Practice at Asheville Community Yoga Center. But after today, you will be seeing me there every week. This is mostly because Joe's classes all seem to have a common element: ARM BALANCES (drum roll please). I have been practicing yoga now for years...steadily...and since that very first bakasana (crow pose) I have dreaded, despised, and avoided arm balances. My first time in crow pose, I immediately fell flat on my face and sprained my wrist . Since then I have sprained my wrist over and over and over and over and over and over and over (get the point?). And the problem wasn't just with bakasana, but also in adho mukha svanasana (downward facing dog), plank, adho mukha vrksasana (handstand), and lately in urdhva mukha svanasana (upward facing dog).

Cognitively, I know why I keep spraining my wrist. I was told how to avoid spraining my wrist in my second yoga class. "Press down through the finger tips, push into my fingerpads, push my forearms forward." Blah blah blah. Yeah, I totally get all of that somewhere up here in my head. I really truly get it. I can look at anyone else and tell them the appropriate actions to avoid spraining their wrists. In fact, I have touted all about correct action in the hands in almost every single class I've ever taught.

So what is the real reason I keep spraining my wrist? It's simple ...my total lack of awareness. I'm not paying enough attention. I'm being swept away by every other thought in my head...the circles of self loathing, the whistling train of reassurance, the neatly stacked piles of "to do" lists...

I'm managing to connect some of my thoughts to my body, but I seem to have this list of what is most important in a pose. Keeping my tail tucked in plank pose, lifting my hips in down dog. And then more wayward thoughts: Does my butt look saggy when I am in handstand?? I've been practicing long enough to become arrogant. Because of this I sometimes sail through my practice on auto-pilot. And in some ways I love that feeling. My practice becomes the background for my thoughts. It's like a blackboard I can scribble my mind on the whole time I practice. And in this way I become more aware of whats happening in my mind.

But then I injury my wrist. Again. The wrist injury reminds me, again, that this isn't enough.

I had a beautiful practice today. Thank you, Joe. Not because I successfully pulled off eka pada galavasana (flying crow pose), but because I worked hard to stay focused, present, and mindful. I worked hard to keep my breath smooth and even...and my wrist safe.

That's what my teacher meant when she said that every injury is a reason to be thankful, a lesson to be learned. This is what my wrist is telling me: there always exist the opportunity to become more present.

Selfish compassion

A text from a friend today, "Who knew being "selfish" was one of the most compassionate things you could do for people?"

This was in response to my asking him if he would make it to my class today. My friend is a healer. A talented "I've been doing this for many lifetimes" healer and he is in high demand. But we all have our lessons to learn on this journey, and it seems that one of his lessons is this idea-- that in order to help others we have to take time for ourselves.

Every relationship is like this. It's easy to get so caught up in the other person that you forget to take time to be alone, to swallow emptiness. We all need this alone- ness from time to time. Your yoga practice is just one of the ways to find it. Where it is all about you...this space, this time. Sometimes I am away for so long that when i return I gulp and I gasp and I pull as much emptiness as I can into myself. Sometimes it is violent. Sometimes I come to my mat screaming in my head, "LEAVE ME ALONE!"

And the reason that it is so hard to take this space, so hard to say no and walk away from others when you need it--is that you forget that the space you take is really for them.

If you don't create a space for yourself in your life, you will begin to burn out. You will lose your temper. You will begin to fill with negative thoughts. You will push people away subconsciously and have regrets later. You will hurt them more in the long run. You will no longer want to heal people. You will no longer want to teach people.

Take time for yourself. Be compassionately selfish. Keep the desire to help others alive in yourself by first helping yourself.

Sit Up Tall and Open Your Mind

"Sit up tall and open your mind" It is that simple and that complex all at once. Sometimes when i teach it feels like I am using as many words, riddles, demos, jokes, and touches as I can to get these two ideas across. Am I making it easier for them? Or am I making it seem more complex than it really is? Try it.

Sit up tall, open your mind.